Afterward
by jainasolo17
Summary: Immediately following the battle of Kirkwall, Hawke and Anders, newly fugitives, must flee the ashes of their former lives. Once again homeless, they are unsure what their future holds.
1. Chapter 1

I was glad to be in the middle of the fray and therefore be unable to see the rest of my party. Part of me was hoping for my own death- a release from the torment I felt inside. That would make a good story- people would most likely decide that the Champion of Kirkwall had nothing to do with the destruction of the chantry. Maybe in the legends told about me, my relationship with Anders would be swept under the rug. I would die in glorious combat defending the city. I would die a hero and Anders would die the villain. My anger was consuming me. I could feel it like a knot in my stomach, sending flurries of electricity through my body as I hacked, slashed and stabbed at the statues summoned by Meredith.

When Anders insisted that he would hurt me, I had imagined he meant only me. My own pain I could have dealt with, but the pain of thousands... the pain of an entire city... it was unimaginable. Before this fight, I had assured him that I would stand by him. Clearly this had surprised him. I did not believe that he guessed my underlying reason for my decision. If I had to tell him... it might kill him.

I had no idea what he might be thinking now, and part of me did not even want to know. I did know that if we managed to survive this battle, we would never be safe again. In fact, after this very battle we would almost certainly be attacked by the templars who were now aiding us. They would have to get through me to kill Anders. We would be constantly on the run and constantly fighting. One thing was certain; we would die together or we would live together. I would not live without him.

When we had defeated Meredith, I was astonished to see that the Templars, guided by Cullen, stepped back. They were clearly allowing us to leave. Every one of my party members froze. Nobody stirred. Finally, I nodded toward Cullen and turned, slowly making my way out of the courtyard. I did not look to see who was following, but knew that Anders would.

As we made our way back to the waiting boat, I gritted my teeth with determination, even as I began to limp with my wounds from the preceding battle. I must be tough and not show too much emotion. Dealing with my companions was going to hurt, and probably very badly. Undoubtedly, they would now abandon me. I would weather whatever happened. What was important was that Anders and I would escape the city together.

The captain looked frightened as we boarded, but said little. As we set off, I finally allowed myself a look around. Everyone had followed. All of them were a safe distance away from me. None of them would look me in the eye. Anders was crumpled on the deck, his head in his hands. Briefly, I wondered if he would ever recover. Would it have been less cruel to him to kill him when Sebastian had demanded it?

My anger rose again as I remembered how Sebastian had threatened the lives of the entire city to kill "my precious Anders." It was a miracle that I had not attacked him on the spot. How could anyone expect me to turn so suddenly on the love of my life, regardless of what he had done? I stared off into the water. I would deal with Anders later.

After a few moments, I felt a hand on my shoulder, a small comfort. "Hawke, I..." It was Varric. "I have to say this first, so don't stop me." I turned slowly to face him. "I don't blame you. Don't act like it's not what you're thinking. I know you didn't have a hand in what he did, and I've seen your devotion to him. And, I don't..." He sighed heavily, "I don't blame you for keeping him with you."

"Thank you." I meant it wholeheartedly. "I can't ask you to come with us. I don't ask you to understand..."

"Of course I'm coming with you. You need my help to get out of here. And dammit, you're the best friend I've ever had. I hate you for making me say that, by the way." I cracked a small smile. It was the best that I could do. With that, Varric turned around and gave me my space.

No one else approached me during the trip back to the city. As we neared the shore, I stood up and gestured for my party to gather around me. "I don't know how long of a reprieve the templars will give us. I will go to my house, gather what I can, and leave the city. I'll never come back. Anyone who wants to come with _us _is welcome. If you wish to go a separate way, I don't blame you. I mean that."

"Us?" Aveline stepped forward. "You mean to take Anders with you? You would do that? He has to face what he did! You had no part in this-"

"No one will believe that, Aveline." Undaunted, she continued.

"I will turn him in so that he can face what he deserves"

"No." I said quietly, meeting her eyes. "I will not let you."

"You won't let me? I could arrest both of you! You are aiding a murderer!" Her face reddened, she was clearly outraged.

"We're all murderers."

"He murdered innocents! How can you stand by him?" I sighed heavily.

"Aveline, he... he is my husband." Everyone with in earshot gasped, expect for Varric, who had been our witness. This had been our secret for nearly two years. Anders had made me vow to keep it quiet, but now I felt no need to keep it.

"He is what?" She sputtered.

"He is my heart. Without him, my life is nothing. Imagine it were you in my place and Donnic in his. Could you kill him? Could you turn him into the law knowing that it would also mean his death?" I felt tears welling in my eyes.

"That's not a fair question. Donnic would never do such a thing."

"I would have said the same thing of Anders this morning." I did not care that the subject of our conversation could hear everything that we were saying.

"I... stand for the law."

"Aveline, you have been a dear friend. I love you. But what you ask of me is not something that I could ever do. I will leave with him and you will let me... or I will have to..." my voice choked. I was failing at keeping emotion at bay. "You know what I will have to do. Please don't push me." She took a step back.

"I will not go with you, but I can't stay here either. If I fail to return him, I won't be above suspicion. May I stay with you until you are a safe distance away?"

"Of course." I responded, finally letting myself breathe again. I had made my point. But I couldn't help but think that I would still need to watch out for Anders. Aveline had never deceived me before, but I had a feeling that this matter may be a special situation.


	2. Chapter 2

Anders

We landed on the shore again and Marian stood for a second before announcing that anyone who wished to follow should meet her at her estate in exactly one hour. She looked haggard, spent, injured, and like a ghost of her former self. I longed to heal her or at least be able to hold her for just a moment. I wanted to offer her any comfort that I could, but the fact that I was the cause of her pain cut me to the core.

Her other followers departed- Varric to the Hanged Man, Merrill to her place in Lowtown, Fenris to his mansion, and Aveline and Donnic to the barracks. I wondered which of them we would ever see again. Suddenly it hit me that I had ruined Hawke's life as she knew it. Never again would she carouse in the Hanged Man with Varric or wander about Lowtown trying to solve everyone's problems. I had already witnessed the fracturing of one of her friendships because of me. How many more would occur before the day was done?

The deaths that I had caused were hanging over me, like a physical weight on my chest. Immediately following the explosion, I had found it hard to breathe. My death, I had thought, was imminent. Fervently, I had hoped for the end to come soon after so that I did not have to live with what I had done. My days with Marian, arguably the only happy days in my life, were at an end. I could only hope that she could move past the pain that I had caused her and live her life. But she had surprised me. She had not only refused to let me die, but had vowed to follow me.

As she set off for her estate, I followed her at a distance. Marian had not so much as looked at me since our hurried conversation before the big battle. I could not blame her. I had expected her to turn from me, to cast me out, or to even allow Sebastian to kill me when he had demanded it. When she had vowed to stay with me, my heart had soared at the prospect. Never had I imagined that she could remain with me after what I had done. It was a testament to her loyalty that she didn't hate me. Although, I could not exactly say that I would blame her if she did. I had betrayed her. I had kept the truth from her, and I had made it impossible for her to continue her life as she had known it.

It was necessary. I told myself as I followed her quickly through the streets. The suffering and bondage of mages was a more important issue than even my own life or the love of... well, my life. My heart was heavy as I contemplated this, as I watched her figure in front of me in the waning light. Even now with my heart so heavy, I felt the lustful pull of her- my eyes drawn to her perfect hourglass figure and her swaying hips. Mentally, I couldn't help but admonish myself, cursing the taint in me and the way that it augmented my lust. Varric had never gotten his fill of teasing Fenris, Isabella, and I about our propensity to be hypnotized by her movement, especially from behind. For the first time in a very long time, the part of me that was Justice did not reprimand me for these thoughts. This was a small relief.

When we reached the Hawke estate, she immediately took off one way, still refusing to look at me. I made my way to the bedroom, deciding that it would be best to pack my meager clothing before turning to the library, where the majority of what I possessed was kept. Bitey immediately greeted Marian, wagging his tail as he followed her. I set off on my own.

Later in the library, I heard the front door open and overheard a feminine voice saying "Hello?" It was Aveline. I knew better than to respond. Marian must have gone to her because soon after I heard their voices together,

"Hawke, I... I had no idea that you had married him."

"No one did, no one except Varric. It doesn't change anything. I loved him the same before and I still do."

"Even now? Even after?" I could not listen to the rest, I couldn't bare to hear the answer. Like some sort of immature child, I began to hum to myself as I sorted which papers were actually important enough to take with me. After some passage of time, I became aware that there more voices in the main room. It was time for me to join them.

"I won't go with you." Fenris was growling. "I only came here to try one last time to convince you." I stopped my progress in the doorway, feeling that this was a conversation that I had no right to be a part of. "What you are doing is insane! I don't know what he has done to bewitch you, I only wish that I could break it. He is an abomination. He has no right to life, let alone your devotion. Please listen to reason. You don't have to have any part of it. Just tell me where he is and let me take care of him."

"Fenris, I am sorry, but I cannot. I know that nothing that I say will convince you that I'm not bewitched. If you will not follow me, I only ask that you allow me to leave."

"I should kill you where you stand for protecting him!" He burst out.

"If you attempt to lay one hand on her, I'll kill you myself." Varric's voice came from another part of the room. Lines had been drawn. Silence filled the room for what seemed like a very long time. I held my breath waiting in the doorway, wondering if we would be forced to fight once again for our lives. Finally, I heard Fenris's voice again.

"Very well. You have been too god for me to turn on you, but I cannot stay with you while you ruin your life with that... that thing." Soon after I heard the front door slam.

When I finally found the courage to come out from my hiding spot, I saw that Varric and Merrill had aligned themselves on the same side of the room as Hawke. I counted my blessings for this. Merrill and I had never exactly gotten along, in fact I had been downright awful to her at times, but I knew her devotion to Marian ran deep. Varric had been the only one of our companions that I would also count as a friend, so seeing that he had stayed with us was a comfort to me.

Aveline and Donnic were also present, holding their packs of what I assumed were their hastily packed belongings. Guilt swept over me as I realized that it was me that was uprooting all of these people. Had it really been worth all of this?

Marian glanced in my direction briefly, still refusing to meet my eye, "We should leave soon... and I believe that we should go north, unless there any objections. I have had a ship on call at the docks for some time now in case of a need for... quick withdrawal. We will sail up the coast to avoid being sighted on land. That's all I have for now." After her speech, she stared at the floor. I wished that I could approach her, but I didn't dare. I knew that I must wait until she came to me, if she did at all.

_Note: Writing Anders is a challenge for me. I'm finding it really difficult to get into his head as it would be directly after the end of the game. I hope it worked out alright. I'm thinking that this will need many edits._


	3. Chapter 3

As we set off to sea again, I took a seat on the deck and reflected on the previous night, the last night I had of calm before my world fell apart. If I had any sense, I would have seen something coming. Anders had kept me awake far longer than normal. We had made love three times and in between each he was full of loving words while he held me. After our last session, he was especially tender and did not seem to want to let me fall asleep. When I awoke, he was already conscious. He had been watching me sleep and he looked as if he hadn't slept at all. Now it made sense. He had thought he was spending his last night with me. Thinking this, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. The enormity of what had happened had only just hit me and I was finally allowing myself to feel it.

"I didn't know she suffered from sea sickness" I heard Anders say from behind me as I retched over the side of the boat.

"She doesn't." Varric answered. I could hear it in his voice. He had figured me out. I could always count on him for that.

"Let me help you." Anders said, coming up behind me, the first words we had exchanged in hours, "What is wrong... physically, I mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's the battle." I tried to wave him away. I didn't want to do this now, not in front of everyone.

"Let me heal you."

"It's not something you can heal. I'm just tired." I insisted, thinking _and you caused it in the first place_.

"Surely there isn't-" he stepped toward me again, closing the distance between us, and placed his hands on my shoulders. I felt the warmth in his hands as he cast his diagnosis spell. I relented. There was no good way to go about this. After a few moments in which I was sure he was detecting my bruises and soreness, he reacted. "Maker's breath..." he breathed, suddenly falling to his knees. "If I hadn't been so set on what I was doing. If had only..."

"It's too late for "ifs"." I growled, feeling the anger rising inside of me again as I turned to face him. "I was going to tell you tonight. I never got a chance." I allowed myself to look around the boat and realized that everyone in the vicinity was watching us.

"Is this... is this why you spared me despite what I did? Is that... the only reason?" His brown eyes pleaded with me as he looked up at me.

"Yes, I am pregnant."I said loudly, only for the benefit of the on-lookers. I didn't want to have to repeat this conversation. Let them imagine that this was my reason for sparing him. I was rewarded with gasps. My fingers were going numb; I realized that I had been clenching my fists since Anders touched me. "But..." I continued, forcing myself to keep my voice in control and quieter, "It is not the only reason. I'm tied to you whether I like it or not." Anders began to weep at my feet, obviously overwhelmed. His pain felt so far away, I could not force myself to bend down to comfort him. After the day that I had, I could only feel numb. "Please, just stand up. I think I'm going to throw up again." He stood up slowly and put his arms around me, pulling me close to him, obviously not heeding my warning. I pushed away from him before I realized what I was doing. "Please don't touch me." The hurt in his eyes was like a stab in my heart, but I could not force myself to comfort him when he had harmed me so badly.

"Please believe me, I never saw this as a betrayal of you. As long as I am alive, I will stay by your side. I didn't believe that with the taint... that I could even have children, or I may have considered this possibility. I will make a safe life for you and our child, as much as I can. Justice will not interfere with our life together again."

"I can't help but see it as a betrayal. If you had only told me what you were planning..."

"I didn't want you to be complicit-"

"I am by association! It was no secret that we are together. Everyone will believe that Marian Hawke conspired with her apostate lover to destroy the Chantry. To believe otherwise would be to believe me stupid! How could I possibly not have guessed what was going on behind my back? But sadly, I am that stupid. You... you used my love for you to blind me from what you were doing." Tears were streaming down my face now, I could not help it.

"No... I... I thought that I was protecting you. I couldn't ask you to take part in that evil. You would never have been able to live with yourself."

"You admit that it was evil?" The answer to this question could be my only hope that good still survived in him.

"Yes, but it was necessary. And I will probably need to spend the rest of my life trying to atone for it. I'll carry the deaths that I caused with me always. I am and will forever be sorry for involving you in this. I am... also sorry that I never had enough willpower to stay away from you."

"We're equally guilty of that." I muttered, reflecting on our courtship. It had been literal years of fascination, lust, having Anders push me away, and having others warn me that he was dangerous. At several points I had convinced myself that allowing myself to love him truly was a big deal. I would resolve to stay away, but always felt that I was drawn back to him, unable to resist. A weak, stupid fool. That was me.

"Do you regret your choice?" I met his eyes again. He looked more depressed and scared than I had ever seen him.

"Which?"

"Both. That you married me. That you didn't kill me at the chantry." These words broke through the wall armor that I had erected in my heart.

"Oh Anders, the second was not even a choice. And I won't take the first one back." I heard him breathe a sigh of relief as I felt another wave of nausea pass over me, and turned to retch over the side of the boat.

"I can help with the sickness, at least." He offered. He offered. I nodded and allowed him to place his hands on me again. After a few moments, I began to feel slightly better. "I don't deserve your devotion." He said, as I began to gather myself.

"You don't get to decide that."

"You have made that clear over and over again." He conceded. "I need to thank you, in case we die before we have another chance to have a talk like this. The fact that you would stand by my side after what I have done, after I have basically ruined the life that you made for yourself, it's... it's unbelievable. I never thought I could experience anything like it. You are amazing, Love." I forced a smile.

"We'll discuss this more later. Right now we need to do some planning for our exile." With that, I turned around to face the others.

_Author's Note: I rewrote most of this because I realized Hawke wasn't angry enough. I hope this is better._


	4. Chapter 4

Anders

We had gathered an audience. Everyone had clearly been eager to see how I would be treated by Hawke and clearly they had been drawn into our drama as several of them were unabashedly staring at us. Searching the small crowd, I made eye contact with Merrill who immediately blushed and looked away. Was the blood mage now afraid of me? What had I become?

Hawke cleared her throat beside me. I noticed that she had taken several steps to the side, I feared this was because she did not want to look as if she and I were a united front facing them. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her fingering the hilt of the dagger on her hip. This was an indication that she was about to undertake some deception. I could only hope that no one else present could read her like I could.

"I'm open to suggestions for where we should go." Was her opening line. Varric and Merrill traded glances while Aveline and Donnic both looked like they were holding something back.

"I think the world is your oyster right now, Hawke." Varric offered. "Anywhere we go has got to be better than Kirkwall and the more distance we put between ourselves and it, the better. I suppose going to the Anderfels would be too on the nose. Don't suppose you still know of any family there, Blondie?"

"I haven't been there since I was 12. Even if we could track down my family, my father wouldn't welcome me. He sold me out to the Chantry. Besides, I have no idea how I would even go about tracking them down, at least without calling attention to myself. That would definitely serve the purpose of getting far away from Kirkwall, though."

"If only we knew where Isabella had run off to. Certainly she has contacts all over Thedas." Merrill chimed in.

"Yes, but would she want to help me at this point?" Hawke crossed her arms. Isabella had been a sore spot for a while. "I tried to convince her that I could make things right with the Arishok and still keep her safe, but she betrayed me. Honestly I'm not sure what I would do with her if I saw her right now. " The hurt in her voice was evident. Before me, Hawke had had a dalliance with the pirate. Although she would swear to her dying breath that romantic feelings had not been involved for her, I knew better. The memory of the night of Isabela's departure was still fresh in my own memory. Hawke had come to me for comfort. In my arms, she had wept the bitter tears of a lover betrayed by one who she had intimately trusted- the only woman she had ever trusted in this way. For reasons that were her own, Hawke had never allowed the others to know the depth of that pain. She had shared this with only me. "I'd be better off trying to contact Zevran. Although, something tells me that he has returned to court."

"What, you mean that he practically told us that he's the pet of the Queen?" Varric scoffed.

"Yes, that would be the indication. Alistair was sympathetic to me and his wife fought alongside Anders. Asking for help from them would not be insane." At the mention of the Queen of Fereldan I felt dread building in my stomach. Surely that would not be Hawke's chosen course of action. "But, seeing as how I am Fereldan and Anders was a part of the Fereldan Circle, I think that's too obvious of a choice right now." Relief filled me. "We will head for Antiva as soon as we dock. It is relatively close and I have always wanted to go there. As long as there are no objections."

After a few moments of silence and only nods in agreement, I spoke "Wherever we go. We need to make sure that you are settled and safe for when it comes time for you deliver."

"Oh yes. I suppose congratulations are in order." Sarcasm laced Aveline's voice. "Honestly, I thought someone in your situation would have been a bit more careful." Although I knew this was directed at Hawke, it flared my anger as well and before I knew it I had taken a step forward. Surprisingly, Justice stirred as well. Aveline glared and I returned her look, conscious that my eyes most likely portrayed a hint of blue glow.

"Don't presume to know anything about our private life." Hawke grit her teeth, but put her hand out as if to hold me back. "Grey Wardens are not supposed to be able to have children. That was supposed to be enough."

"Apparently it was not."

"Yes, apparently so. But that's none of your concern. You can take your leave of us as soon as you want."

"Hawke, I'm only saying this out of concern for you. How are you going to take care of a child while you're on the run as a fugitive?"

"With Anders's help, and the help of the friends who remain with me. My parents made it work. We can, too."

"So this is you becoming your mother." Aveline said. "I can only hope that you won't suffer the same fate that she did. If you hadn't noticed, it was magic that killed her."

"Please, Aveline, we've fought enough for a life time in the past day. Let us not part on angry terms." Hawke pleaded. "I am weary. Let this wait until the morning."

Aveline looked as if she was going to persist, but then shook her head. It was obvious to me that she was not trying to antagonize. She was speaking out of concern for her friend whom she felt was making a dire mistake. I could not blame her. Part of me agreed with her. Gradually, Justice and my anger cooled.

As I watched Hawke walk past on her way to the below decks, I could suddenly see just how tired she was. Her normal gait was much more confident and swift. Now her walk was stilted and forced, her eyes fixed firmly on the deck below her. Had she an injury that I had missed? Fleetingly, I hoped that she would allow me to soothe her sore muscles, but I had a inkling that it would be a very long time before she would allow me the pleasure of touching her. I could not say I would blame her if that day never came. Before she went below, she turned to me and subtly nodded, urging me to follow. I was simultaneously shocked and well... elated. She had indicated that she wished to be alone with me. I followed quickly, not wanting to be left alone with the judgment of the others.

"He follows her like a puppy." Aveline grumbled. "And hides behind her for protection." Although I was ashamed at the implication of her words, I remember Hawke's call for peace until the morning and chose to ignore her. I will not say it was easy.

Once we had descended the stairs, Hawke turned to me, "We need to share a cabin. Aveline is likely to try to slit your throat while you sleep."

"Justice would..."

"I know, but I do not want him killing my friend. Surely you can understand that?"

"I.. yes. Of course I can. If she comes for me, I will only defend myself."

"Thank you." I wondered what our relationship had come to that she had to ask me not to murder a friend. The thought that she herself might fear harm from me would kill me. Before I could voice my concerns, she turned from me and made her way to our cabin.

_Author's Note: I'm not convinced of the quality of this, but needed to post something for motivation to write more. Sorry about the dialogue-heaviness of this, but these characters have a lot to work out. I'm feeling the constraint of first person and I'm planning on writing a prequel of in game events without the limited perspective._


	5. Chapter 5

Once Anders shut the door to our room, I began to undress with my back to him. I had purchased one of the bigger rooms on the ship, unready to admit that my days of luxury were probably behind me. That was something that I would worry about later. Nevertheless, it was still dank and musty. The only meager lighting was from the lantern that I had carried inside with us and set down on the small table.

My armor had begun chafing. I felt like I had been wearing it for three days instead of the mere fourteen hours that I had. Exhaustion had set in- both physical and mental, but I could not wait to get the armor off of me. I removed my boots last and sighed once I was standing in my small clothes. Beside the bed, I made a neat pile of my armor, placing my daggers on top to make sure that they would be in reach of me while I was asleep. "Bar the door." I said, turning to Anders for the first time. He had not moved he stepped inside the room. Everything about him portrayed his awkwardness- his stance, the fact that he was staring at the floor, even the position of his shoulders was not usual. "We both need our sleep tonight, hopefully Bitey will give us advance warning if anyone tries to intrude." I had left him guarding the door on the outside.

"Where shall I sleep?" He finally met my eyes, looking as if he was awaiting my judgment.

"I'll not make you sleep on the floor." I said, keeping my tone neutral. There was no furniture in the room save the table and the bed. The bed itself was rather small, it would be a tight fit for the both of us.

"Your legs- I noticed you limping. Are they sore? I can help."

"I'm sore all over." I said simply, climbing into the bed.

"May I...?" He began.

"Anders, it's going to get extremely annoying if you continue to ask me for permission every time you want to touch me." To his credit, he only nodded as he began to undress. I closed my eyes and attempted to relax, trying to calm the worries that had been dogging me since the battle. They were not going to help me sleep. I could hear Anders's footsteps on the floor as he approached and felt him sink down onto the bed next to me. I had been right, it was so small that we both couldn't lie on it without touching each other.

He moved on the bed beside me and I felt the light touch of his lips on my forehead. Then his hands were on my shoulders, gently massaging. He was familiar with my usual combat injuries after many hours spent healing me. From the swinging and stabbing of my daggers, my shoulders were usually the most abused part of my body. Ever since I had become friends with Anders, the times when he would apply his healing skills to them had become one of the highlights of my day. I couldn't help but sigh with the pleasure of his touch, his rough and callous hands working out every knot in my muscles. When I opened my eyes, I saw that he was sitting up beside me, which I imagined must have been uncomfortable.

"Could I ask you to sit up?" He said, and I nodded. As I sat up, he slid back so that his back was against the wall with his legs apart. This was a familiar position, one that we had used many times for this purpose, so I climbed between them with my back to him. I realized that I should not be completely comfortable with his touch at this juncture considering the circumstances, but mostly I just wanted the physical comfort. Anders was familiar and it just felt... right.

I allowed myself to lean back against him, placing my hands on his bent knees. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and my body begin to respond in all too familiar way. "Bethany-" He said. I could not help but laugh at his timing.

"I'm finally beginning to warm up to your touch and you mention my sister?"

"I just wanted to ask why she's not with us."

"She's safe with the Wardens and she didn't wish to leave them. She and I had discussed what we would do if it ever came necessary for me to leave Kirkwall. She believes in the Wardens, she will not abandon their cause."

"Unlike me, you mean."

"If that's the meaning you choose to take from it." I sighed. "I will write to her once I have a chance. I want her to know that I'm safe, but our paths may never cross again."

"I'm sorry." He said, beginning to move his hands farther down my back and to my shoulder joints.

"I think we need to ban those words from your vocabulary for a while. It'll be better if you show me that you are." We were silent for a few minutes while he continued his massage. Then he applied a warming poultice to both of my shoulders.

"What did you feel when you sensed the baby?" I blurted. I was never very skilled at changing subjects of conversation.

"Well... the spell allows me to sense your organs, how they are connected. The blood flow in your body is different than it would be if you were not pregnant. It's re-directed to the baby. I can sense... the life, although it is faint."

"Faint?" I asked, feeling panic about to seize me.

"It's nothing to worry about, it's just... the baby is very small at this stage. I can't 'see' the child or anything like that."

"So you can't tell if it will have magic or not?" I could hear the worry in my own voice.

"I cannot. But you know it's much more likely that a child of ours would be a mage than not what with your father, your sister, and me. But, the templars will take our child over my dead body."

"Mine as well."

"Your father was able to teach Bethany how to responsibly wield her magic. I could do the same for our baby. Our son or daughter might never know the oppression of the Circle or templars. They may live their life entirely free. Isn't that wonderful?" It was encouraging to hear him speak of the future optimistically. I grabbed his hand and placed it on my stomach, which was still so flat I had a hard time believing that I was carrying a child. I had given up all hope of becoming a mother when Anders had told me of the warden taint and I was still not over the shock of this discovery.

"Is... Is the child enough to put your crusade on hold?"

"Others will take up my banner. That was the plan from the beginning. My life with you can begin in earnest now. Justice will help to provide protection for us, for the baby. He is both pleased and... strangely proud. I had not thought that he would react this way." Anders moved both of his hands to my legs and began to work on them.

After several minutes of healing my legs, he stopped to let his hands rest at the top of my thighs and kissed my neck. This touch elicited a sigh from me, and I felt myself leaning back against him. He trailed his hands up my legs and to my stomach, lighting trailing his fingertips as he went. He trailed wet kisses from my neck to the outside of my shoulder.

"I will understand if you'd like me to stop." He breathed and then waited for an answer. I was conflicted. I knew that I should be angry with him, even disgusted by his offering this so soon. I should be ready to shove him out of my life. But I was not. I wanted him. I wanted his touch. Things were still far from fine between us, but he was still my husband. He was still the same Anders that I had fallen in love with, regardless of what he had done. And he was still like an addiction for me, no matter how shameful it might make me feel at the moment.

"I don't." I told him, turning my head so that I could look into his deep brown eyes. "But... this won't make everything okay. It won't mean everything is forgiven."

"I wouldn't expect it to." He gave me a small smile, "I just want to help you relax." He kissed me deeply, sliding his tongue past my lips. How could I possibly say no to that?

We made love tenderly. At first he was tentative, as if he believed that I may change my mind about it at any moment. He was far gentler than he usually was, or how I usually wanted him to be. He behaved like a man who was discovering his lover's body for the first time. For as long as it lasted, I was able to forget everything that had happened in the previous. The respite was welcome and I drifted off to sleep soon after it was over.

I dreamed. Images haunted and tormented me. The chantry destroyed, mages in chains, the Grand Cleric's dead body in front of me. Anders and I were ambushed by Sebastian, an army with him. The prince demanded that I turn over my husband or he would kill both of us. I desperately pleaded on my knees before him, telling him of my pregnancy. He spat in my face, called me a whore, and told me that child would be better off dead than to live as a mage. Just as Anders was about to be killed, I abruptly woke, disoriented.

In the dark, I became aware that Anders was thrashing beside me murmuring "No... no." repeatedly. I grasped for his shoulders and tried to shake him awake. When his eyes opened, they were glowing otherwordly blue.

_Author's Note: I recently replayed Awakening and I was struck by how much Justice seemed to be touched by human love and happiness in that game. Where was that part of him in Dragon Age 2? So my thought was what if Anders and Hawke starting a family would somehow transform him? Anyway, as always, I'm open to feedback. Thanks!_


	6. Chapter 6

Hawke

"Justice." Trying to remain calm, I sat up slowly, pulling the blanket up over my bare breasts. Oddly, it felt uncomfortable to be naked in front of Justice. Of course I knew that I often was, but somehow this was different. I was still groggy from sleep and I blinked in the darkness, trying to focus my eyes. I would not have been able to see anything if it hadn't been for his glow which was eerily illuminating the bed. "What are you doing?"

"Anders is tormented with nightmares. The Fade has been unkind to him tonight."

"That doesn't explain why I woke him and got you." I felt myself beginning to lose patience, and with a Fade spirit, this was never a good thing.

"I subdued him and calmed his sleep." I shuddered at what he might mean by that.

"Is he okay?"

"He will be fine. I had thought he was stronger than this. He had agreed to fight for mages, but his turmoil proves that he does not have the stomach for it in the end. He is weak."

"Is it weakness to feel guilt over the suffering of innocents?"

"It is if it gets in the way of justice." I rolled my eyes. I couldn't help it. I was thoroughly tired of both the ideal of justice and its fade spirit. I said the first thing that came into my mind, although I knew it was completely hypothetical.

"If he doesn't suit your purposes anymore, would you be willing to leave him if we were somehow able to find a way?"

"I do not know where I would go, but... yes... I would. Anders has other concerns now which are not trivial- he must protect you from the templar's wrath. He must look after his child."

"Finally I'm worth protecting!" I burst out, used to Anders telling me how the spirit did not approve of me. Justice fixed me with his wraith-like glare through my lover's eyes.

"You never needed protecting before." Something about the way that he said this chilled me. "Forces will come against the both of you now. The entire world will hunt you. Templars are the least of your worries. Sebastian will hunt you to the end of Thedas." Ruminating on his words, I breathed deeply to try to calm myself. Panic was beginning to tear at me. He was right. Templars, soldiers, and who knows what were probably already pursuing us.

After a pause Justice spoke, "You are not afraid of me as the others are."

"Why should I fear you? First of all, I'm Anders's meal ticket. I made your plan possible. Anders would have been forced to leave Kirkwall years ago if I hadn't protected him with my influence and by harboring him in my house. I figured you would appreciate that. Besides, if you ever used Anders to hurt me he would never be a willing participant in anything with you again." I could hear the bitterness in my own voice. It was the truth and I could not shake the feeling that I had been used, "Will you let him go from whatever you did? He is never happy after you take control." Without further comment, Justice thankfully complied.

Anders's body shuddered and then relax on the bed beside me. Rolling over to him, I embraced him and kissed his lips.

"I.. thought I had woken up, but then I hadn't. What-?"

"Justice." Was all I said, feeling myself settle into a dark mood.

"That's just a wonderful way to end this day." He grumbled. "I had a nightmare-"

"I want to go to Ferelden." I burst out, interrupting him.

"Ferelden? You're serious? After what you said up on the deck about it?"

"Listen, I want to march straight to Tevinter to try to find a way to separate you and Justice or at least get the Imperium to protect you. But, I know that it's not exactly possible. By the time we get there I'll be big enough that I won't be able to fit into my armor anymore. I don't want to give birth in a land that isn't at all familiar to me. Ferelden is a better choice, but since it IS the obvious one, I didn't want to announce it up there."

"Where exactly do you think we should go?" Anders rubbed his head and ran his hand through his long hair.

"Well... King Alistair was on friendly terms with me in Kirkwall and you did know his wife."

"You want to go to the King and Queen!" I was honestly surprised by his strong reaction. I had thought he would be thrilled to meet up with his old friend again,

"Do you think she would not help us?" Frowning, I bit my lip.

"It's possible that she could be convinced. Look, a lot has happened since I have seen her. I don't know how she will feel about my merging with Justice. She and Justice had an understanding, I'm not worried about that. But... Love, there's something that I need to tell you before we decide to go there or not." His tone was suddenly serious.

"What is it?"

"She and I... we..."

"You loved her?"

"I wouldn't exactly use those words. We slept together. It was very stupid of me, yet another thing that I've done that I could have been hanged for."

"She was married to Alistair at the time." My voice was calm, but inside I was disappointed. It's not that I lived under the illusion that my husband had been with no one before me, but that I felt that his past actions had already ruined my best hope for our future.

"Yes. It was only one night that we spent together, but I'm not sure that makes much of a difference."

"Do you think she would have told Alistair?"

"I have no way of knowing."

"I think we need to risk it anyway. We will ask them for protection when I'm in the more vulnerable stages of pregnancy. Hopefully they will harbor us until the baby is born and until I'm able to travel again. It's a lot to ask of them. Likely they will want to stay neutral. If Kirkwall found out that they were harboring its greatest fugitive it might put the whole country at risk. But, we are both Fereldan-"

"You are." He reminded her. "I may have been brought to its Circle as a child, but it's not my home."

"You're more Ferelden than you are an Ander. Besides, when you're pleading with the Fereldan king, you're going to want to pretend more loyalty than that."

"I fucked his wife, Marian. I'm going to be doing a lot of pretending." I could help but laugh at that.


	7. Chapter 7

Anders

After Marian had fallen back asleep, I lay awake for what seemed like a long time. Memories of Elissa Cousland were flooding back to me- her blue eyes, the determined look she always seemed to wear on her face, that wry smile that she had always seemed to aim at me. I remembered the night that we had spent together vividly, as well. She had come to me and convinced me that no one need ever know. The high treason that we would commit could be kept a secret forever- not that I had needed much convincing. I had been a much different man then- one who was practically hedonistic and couldn't care less about the consequences of his actions.

It was not for love that I had done it. Honestly, I couldn't even say it was for want of her body. She was attractive enough, but had never really appealed to me in that way. Not only was she married, but my thoughts had been occupied by another at the time. I had a shameless crush on Velanna, who had rebuffed my every attempt to seduce her. The more she pushed me away, the more I wanted her. Frustrated by my desires, my inability to get what I wanted, and the loneliness that I had suffered since leaving the Circle for the last time, Elissa's offer had been more than welcome.

After Elissa had left Vigil's Keep to rejoin her husband at court, I had thought that I would never see her again. How could I know that years later I would be put in a position where I would need to plea for her help on behalf of my pregnant wife? In fact, I could distinctly remember the younger me referring to Elissa's husband as her "ball and chain" and likening marriage to captivity. We all grew up one day, I supposed.

_She will be sympathetic to our cause. The Warden was a good friend of ours, even if you nearly ruined it with your carnal vices. _

Justice had been relatively quiet since the Chantry, so I was startled by his intervention now. Of course he would blame our affair on me, even though she had been the one to instigate it. Sometimes I thought that he knew me better than I knew myself – perhaps that was a side effect of our joining. I probably would have gone to her if she hadn't offered first.

Beside me, I felt Marian stir, rolling from her side to face me, draping a hand across my bare stomach. No doubt she would make a wonderful mother. I had my doubts at my prospects as a father- if I could even manage to survive until the baby was born. Eight months seemed an incredibly long time when the future was so uncertain. It also seemed an impossibly long time to live with what I had done.

Look at Marian sleeping peacefully, I couldn't help but wonder if I deserved this life. Did I deserve to be a father or did I deserve the devotion of this beautiful woman? Maybe what I had done had been necessary and vital for the cause of mages everywhere, but this made me no less a monster for having done it. I knew that my earlier dreams had only been a taste of what lay before me. Regret, guilt... could there be any atonement for me? In all my planning, I had never gotten that far. I had never thought that I would survive Kirkwall. Perhaps once our child was safe, Marian and I could find another way to fight for good in the world. Surely there were other cities where we could lend aid to mages.

Suddenly I was disturbed from my reverie by shouting on the main deck. Outside our door, Bitey began to bark, sounding an alarm. There was a loud crashing sound and the entire ship rocked heavily once and then was nearly as still as before. Pausing momentarily, I listened to the shouting. The only word that I could make out was "raiders." Adrenaline shot through me as I got to my feet,

"Marian." I said gently, but loud enough that it was sure to wake her, knowing that she tended to panic when woken abruptly.

"What?" She muttered, obviously unwilling to wake up.

"We're being boarded." That was all it took for her to spring into action. Her initiative always was impressive. I dressed as quickly as I could, while she did the same. As I was helping her with her armor, there was a loud, jolting knock on our cabin door.

"We're going to need on the deck!" It was Varric's voice. "I think we've got pirates!"

"Just a minute." Hawke growled, never happy after being woken up prematurely. She quickly tied her hair back and tucked it into the back of her armor. As she turned to me, I could see that she was scowling. I felt sorry for the raiders who had to deal with her. No one in their right mind would get on the wrong side of her blades. Diminutive though she was in size, she was nothing but deadly in combat.

When we emerged from the cabin, we found Varric with Bianca already shouldered, Merrill at his side. Bitey was at his feet, excitedly wagging his tail. He, too, was usually ready for a fight.

"Aveline and Donnic?" Hawke asked.

"They probably already charged up. Didn't want to wait." Looking her up and down, |Varric's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure you should be... rushing into a fight in your con-?"

"Don't finish that sentence, if you know what's good for you. The minute I'm ready to be a helpless maid, I'll let you know." She gave him one of her withering glares.

"Fair enough." Without a further word, Hawke stepped forward to lead us to the stairs to the main deck.

Chaos had broken out on deck and most of the crew had risen to the fight. Another ship was close to ours, the obvious source of the raiders. There was fighting all around as the crew of the ship was defending their livelihood. Although some of them were equipped with daggers, many of them seemed to have scrounged around the ship for any weapons that they could find. Some held bludgeons, tools from the mess, I could even see one who held a broom handle. In the moonlight, I could see Aveline and Donnic were at the forefront of the skirmish. As soon as Hawke spotted them, she turned to me and said quickly said,

"Whatever happens, keep it under control." I nodded curtly and followed her as she made her way into the fray. As usual, she dispatched enemies quickly. When faced with a pirate who had knocked one of the sailors to the ground and was now standing over him, she stabbed him from behind and shoved him to the side. Another man attempted to rush at her, but he was immediately felled by one of Varric's arrows. "Stop this!" Hawke's commanding voice rang out. "I demand to speak to your leader! Take me to him or you all will die." Sadly, laughter was the first response that could be heard.

"My leader is right here!" A grizzly-looking man stepped forward, shouting and grabbing at his crotch. He was as menacing-looking as he was dirty, with long scraggly black hair and missing teeth- exactly as one might picture a pirate. The fighting around us ceased as he spoke. "And we're the ones who will be doing the killing here. Although, I'll keep you alive till last so I can enjoy you." He leered.

Anger immediately began to fill me, but before anyone else could react, Hawke charged forward and attacked him. Perhaps the man had been used to women cowering when he threatened them like this, but it was obvious he had never met a woman like Hawke before. He didn't have much of a chance to fight back before she was on with him with one of her daggers and had slit his throat before he probably had a chance to realize what had happened.

"Does anyone else have any other objections?" She yelled, stepping aside to avoid the blood spray as he fell to his knees. She looked around at the shocked faces that surrounded her. Pride surged within me now, despite the gory display. I just couldn't help but admire someone so fearless. The pirate seemed frozen, unable to determine what their next move should be. Had the man Hawke killed been their leader? Would they flee?

"Whatever is going on over here? I should hear fighting, why don't I hear fighting?" A vaguely familiar female voice approached. "Did they surrender that easily?" Squinting in the darkness, I saw a figure drawing closer, her hips swaying as he made her way down the gangplank. Gradually, it dawned on me that I very well did recognize the voice. A sense of dread filled me; this could only go badly.

"Isabela!" Hawke cried, her voice seemingly unable to decide between surprise and horror. The last time we had seen her, she had left us in dire peril without a care for how it might effect us.

The beautiful pirate closed the distance between them. She never seemed to change. She still wore her hair in the same way, the same style of clothing which left nothing to the imagination,

"Fancy meeting you here." Crossing her arms, she surveyed the scene in front of her. "You killed one of my men." Her tone was neutral.

"He threatened to rape me."

"I never did trust that one." Isabela replied, casually kicking the body with her booted foot. After a pause, she continued. "Well, what will it be? Are we mortal enemies? Or could we be friends?"

"Perhaps we could try talking about it? In private?" Isabela nodded.

"Stand down, men. I know this woman. We can go talk in my quarters." Hawke looked over her shoulder at me and gave me a slight smile before turning to follow Isabela. I nodded, but I wished that I could lend her strength. Surely, this conversation would not be easy for her.


End file.
